Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Can't sleep

I don't know what I'm going through right now... mid life crisis? The holiday rush, the fact that I feel invisible. 

I can not sleep so here I sit typing away, as if anyone reads this, (except Val ;D) but... I found this quote and it fits me. I don't want this to happen to me. What can I do to make it not happen? Good question... I feel like I'm searching, for what I don't know. I have three beautiful children, a husband who works hard, defended his country for us and you, but yet still I feel like there is something that I didn't have or have lost. Is it my youth? I'm not old... not by any means, (well don't ask my twins that) but it's almost like I lost a part of me when I married young, TWICE. I suppose I missed out on the exciting "fling" of a relationship. Oh sure, Chris and I met and well there wasn't much of a courtship (if that's what you call it these days) we didn't have kids immediately, I searched and searched and finally found my niche in photography, but now, after all of the work I've been doing over the last six weeks for clients I feel like there is still something missing. A piece of me. I can't talk to anyone about it, Chris would say "oh whatever, you are just depressed" my mother would say "you have too many projects, that's the problem" no one wants to get to the ROOT of the problem. Maybe I need to do that on my own. Do some soul searching, see what I missed, am missing, or whatever. 

The photo after this post, that I posted today is near and dear to me. It is a moment of passion, a moment of abandonment, to me, "The Bridges of Madison County" is about one woman feeling SMOTHERED and then a stranger comes along, and she can't see herself doing these things, she is a wife, a mother, her family is away, yet this stranger sees her for who she is, not a wife and mother. He sees her as a woman, hence the quote, "I am more a woman that I ever was" or something like that. I read it and fell in love with the quote and felt I needed to express that with my sensual photo. Oh, you may say, "sensual, there is no skin, per say, no erotica" no, but to me, it's the unknown that makes thing so sensual and sexy. The forbidden, if you will. 
Be prepared, I don't see my funk raising any time soon... I'll try, I'll put on my happy face and go to my girls' dance classes, their school party, go to my husband's party with his organization, but it's not at all who I am. I know, we all have to bend a little, sacrifice, I just don't feel that anyone is sacrificing/bending for me. No one says "hey, that photo shoot of (fill in the blank) was AMAZING" or... "that photo of you, the comp is amazing, the light is perfect, it really grabs at me with emotion." Well my Flickr friends do, I suppose that's my only solace these days, that and the occasional visit from UPS, Fed Ex and people that drop in like that, delivering packages... doing work. If I get one glint of a "hey, you are a woman" then that makes my day. 
Enough rambling, one more quote for you from one of my fav books and then I'm out of here, bed for me, I do think that the kids will go to school tomorrow! 

"When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children, in one way her life begins, but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife,  and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you're expected to move again, only you don't remember what moves you because no one has asked you in so long. Not even yourself." Bridges of Madison County.. 

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